I am personally walking through a new habit in real-time, and it's learning how to say no more often. Honestly, this one might sting a little. It's a lesson I have to revisit often, hearing it from someone else who is essentially giving me permission to protect my time.
We often default to "yes," all the time. We say yes to plans, play dates, yes to helping, and even errands that aren't even ours. We say yes to things we don't actually have energy for, and yes to things that don't even matter to us but feel like they should.
Why We Get Stuck in the "Yes" Cycle
The reasons for this automatic affirmation are complex:
- Sometimes we say yes because we don't want to disappoint anyone.
- Sometimes we say yes because we don't want our children to miss out.
- Sometimes we say yes because we feel guilty saying no.
- Sometimes we say yes because we are lonely and craving connection.
- Sometimes we just say yes simply because we're not paying attention until the week hits us like a truck, and we realize we've overstuffed our calendar.
Saying yes to everything doesn't automatically make you a good parent. It usually makes you a tired, stretched thin person, feeling like you're living in reaction mode instead of actually living on purpose or intentionally.
I personally catch myself doing this all the time. I'll look back on a week and think, "Wow, we did a lot this week," or "Man, I packed these few days way too full". I make promises to myself like, "Okay, next week only what's already on the calendar, no extras".
But then someone texts me to get together, and I think, "Our schedules aren't that packed," so I say yes. Then I realize we're out of groceries, and I do a quick grocery run. While we're out, I remember my shoes are falling apart, or I need paint for a room I've been meaning to update. So, we go to the shoe store, we go to the paint store, and now I've stacked three extra things into my day that already had zero margin.
This is the pattern : one small yes that seems harmless, plus another, plus the "might as well," and suddenly the week snowballs into something that I cannot recognize, which is extremely overwhelming.
The Non-Negotiable Trade-Off
By the end of the week, I'm exhausted and overstimulated. Not because life was genuinely full, but because I over-filled it myself. I have to constantly remind myself: Everything that you say yes to is a no to something else.
That "something else" is usually your energy, your rest, or your peace. There is always a trade-off.
It’s easy to get stuck in this invisible race. The one where there's always something else you could be doing, something you should do, something everyone else seems to be doing. But here's the thing: There is no race. You are only racing yourself. There is no prize at the end of the week for the person who did the most. You are actually hurting yourself by packing your schedule and becoming overstimulated.
Foundational Resources and Warning Signs
Life isn't meant to be lived under this constant pressure, but that’s exactly what happens when you say yes without taking a step back and thinking about it. Two books that have shaped my view on this are:
- The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: This book is all about slowing your pace so you can actually live a life instead of sprinting through it. It teaches you to create margins and real breathing room, because without margin, you're always operating in survival mode.
- Essentialism by Greg McKeown: The motto of this book is "less but better". Say yes to less so you can say yes more fully, more intentionally, and with way more peace.
Here are a few signs your "yes muscle" is overdeveloped:
- You may feel overwhelmed more often than grounded or at peace.
- You look back on your week and think, "That was way too much".
- You resent the plans you made, even if they were things you wanted to do at the time.
- You find yourself wishing someone else would cancel so that you don't have to be the person that does that.
These aren't failures; they're indicators, like a check engine light on your car. They are little flashing lights that say you're doing too much—slow down and slow down now.
The Practical Steps: How to Start Saying No
How does one actually start saying no? Here are five practical steps:
- Decide ahead of time what your weekly limit is. This might look like one playdate per week. Or one extracurricular activity. Maybe it's no last-minute plans. Set a concrete, measurable limit, like: No adding errands to errands. If it’s not pre-planned, it’s probably a no.
- Pause before responding. Make, "Let me check my week and get back to you," your new automatic reply. Do not just say yes or, "I probably can fit that in". Give yourself space and time to look at your calendar. Most overwhelm happens because we answer too quickly.
- Evaluate based on cost, not convenience. Groceries plus the shoe store plus the gas station plus the library might all be in the same plaza, but the cost to your energy is massive. When the thought of completing these tasks gives you anxiety, that is a clear sign that you need to say no.
- Practice micro-nos. Practice small boundaries first. Boundaries like: no errands after 4 PM, no playdates on back-to-back days, or no appointments on Fridays. These little rules can create huge relief for you.
5. Remember who carries the consequences. When you say yes to everything, you carry the exhaustion. Not the friend, not the stranger, not the schedule. That alone helps you make a clearer decision for yourself and for your family.
The Unexpected Result
Something that might surprise you is that when you say no more often, your life tends to get fuller, not emptier. I tend to be more present, more calm, with more time to actually enjoy my children and room to breathe for myself.
When everything is important, nothing is a priority. By editing your commitments, your priorities become really, really clear. You also begin to trust yourself more. You stop feeling behind and stop living internally overwhelmed.
This is where "less but better" shows up in your life beautifully:
- Fewer commitments.
- Better energy.
- Better days.
- Better connection with the people who actually matter most in your life.
If you are someone who says yes to everything, I'm right with you—I'm learning this in real-time. But I want you to hear this clearly:
- You don't need a packed calendar to be a good parent.
- You don't need constant plans to be a present parent.
- You don't need to do more to matter more.
Sometimes the holiest thing you can do for your family is simply protect your peace.
As we head into the holiday season, when we tend to get bombarded with requests for concerts, parties, and family events , I want to challenge you: Say no to one thing that drains you a week, just one, and watch what that "no" creates space for. You really are doing an amazing job.
Want more like this?
Come hang out on Instagram @whatautumndoes or listen to the full episode of The Motherhood Process wherever you get your podcasts.
Resources:
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Come
Essentialism by Greg McKeown
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